Today I was given the daunting task of going boxes of mine that I have not seen in 12 years. Within these boxes were remnants of my life–detailed records of my middle school and high school years–a time period of my life I have spent the last 12 years trying to forget. It was difficult and irritating. As I read each note and written account of my life back then, it amazed me how I could not even pin point in my mind most of the people whom were discussed. How big of a deal it all must have seemed then, the center of my attention and world, yet now looking back I have no recollection of these people. I was also amazed at how quickly I forgot the pain I constantly endured, the weakness i consistently exhibited and the lack of direction I had. As I read on I was disgusted at the way in which the boys in my life spoke to me, of me, at me..and how silly I was to encourage them, listen to them and submit to them. Funny how these kinds of things bring back so many suppressed thoughts, feelings and memories. How quickly one forgets. Forgetting by no means was accidental, it was purposeful and necessary to my survival and sanity. Sitting on the floor going through this box, my head began to ache, the room became to bright and the nausea set in–from stress, remembrance or just plain disgust I do not know. I decided to just take the rest of the box, the entire box and its contents and throw it away. After all, it was me talking about being present and not stuck in the past. So I think that it is good that I went through this now, at this point in my life, when I am with the most wonderful, loving man I have ever known, moving ahead in my masters studies, and in a good, happy place mentally. This lingering book from my teens that tainted my 20’s had to be closed and thrown away. It is not worth re-reading, reliving or remembering–it is in the past and I have moved on and overcome it all. Once it was all tossed out I went to take a nap. Going through it all was exhausting and it drained me, irritated me and made me mad. As I lay down trying to fall asleep I thought about my future children–my own if I have any, my niece and nephew, or my kids in my future classroom, and my old self. What would I tell them, me if I could. I would tell them that if they make a choice or think of making a choice to make sure to look at things from an outside perspective. If after doing this, you feel no doubt in your choice, then by all means carry on, but if you do feel doubt, than there is probably a good reason why and you should trust your gut. And if you find that you come to make a choice and do not want to look at your decision from an outside point of view, then you must evaluate the reason why…most likely it will be because you are afraid that in doing so your decision or choice may change, if this is the case then you already know what the choice you have made is wrong and should not go through with it. Of course this may sound confusing, and especially for me, I knew the things I did were wrong and didn’t care but I would hope that this may help put some things in perspective at some point in their lives.
My fear is that the kids I encounter, whether mine or not, will not listen to my advice, as I did not listen to any others advice. I fear that they may encounter my same dilemmas and circumstances. I guess I survived and am doing well now, so it is evidence that you can still live a productive full life even after being demeaned and belittled for the sake of fitting in but my life would have become happier and less difficult if I had not had to encounter the barriers I did in my life. Running through life is much easier, and less exhausting, when you don’t have obstacles to climb that are beyond your ability.
I hope that if anything I can use my experiences to help, guide and counsel more than a few people that I encounter through my journey in life.
I do not regret my experiences, actions or circumstances, they have made me who I am today, but I do wish to keep others from experiencing what I had to endure.
Now that this has been discussed I can have some closure and never look for this book again. It has been relocated onto a shelf high beyond my reach in the very back of my library of thoughts, and now onto my new book which as I write is being created.